myliverhurtz

Andrew and I are now engaged!

Long-time followers of me on LiveJournal might remember the sagas of Melissa, one of my best friends from high school, the one I ended up dating for a bit. She died in her sleep the night before last. I'm still in this state of shock/disbelief, and I can't even imagine what her girlfriend is going through, who was the one who tried to wake her up, thinking everything was fine. I've had people I've known die before, but this feels completely different.

Trying out this Flock browser... I think I like it.

So, yes... things are starting to go my way. I've re-arranged my free time again. Before, I would try and fill it with things. If I didn't feel like doing anything, I would do nothing and just blast music. I would wait until the last possible minute to get food ready. I would rush making it, rush eating it, rush getting dressed for work, and just... guh. It was like I was creating drama for myself. Now, I'm spending more time doing everything, and it's amazing. I've found that I like calm, I like quiet, I enjoy spending my time eating. Much calmer.

Things are also looking up with school. As some of you know, my grades plummeted last semester. Like... from a 7.4 semester to a 4.7. Abysmal drop. I'm estimating I'll be back up to a 5.5 or a 6.0 for this semester, but I don't know. It's just frustrating. The bus strike fucked me over for this semester, but hopefully I can bounce back to a higher GPA.

And, of course, there's co-op... and I just got hired. I'll be working on a website with the Law Department. Its aim is to spread awareness, foster discussion, and translate technically minded documents to layman's articles, all concerning climate change's effects on human health, specifically health in indigenous populations in the northern arctic regions of the world. It's... fantastic. Not what I originally wanted, but good nonetheless... and it gets my life properly started, career wise.

Well, here we are! I’ve used Windows Live Mail to consolidate all of my e-mail accounts. In addition I’ve set up its RSS Reader for all of my usual RSS-enabled websites, so that’s going to cut down on my overall website hopping, and has certainly cut out a chunk of my bookmarked entries. Also, using Windows Live Writer to publish this entry. I don’t know if I’m going to keep my own LJ running for much longer. I like reading the entries of my friends, but I think most of my real ‘blogging’ is through trying to discuss things on Facebook. Maybe I should try to start a new blog sometime. But maybe not. Maybe if I ever get my one dream site running and manage to attract a few more readers it might be cool!

So no, not consolidating my life, but consolidating about half of my online activities at any rate.

I didn't get that National Defence job I was really hoping for. It was my best chance with regards to establishing a future for myself, and it seemed so perfect. What I really hate is how I got so focused on it and set my hopes so high. Right now I feel a little crushed and just, fuck, so disappointed.

YES!

I got the interview for the job I want! Now, just to seal the deal...

Most anybody who knew me when I was a teenager knows that one of the great loves of my life is video production. I loved the job of editing videos, I loved screenwriting... so much so that I almost went to Toronto to go study it. I decided, though, that it would be much better for me to study something that had multiple career paths out of it, and was still related to something I really loved, so I set my sights on Ottawa to study History and Politics. Now I'm in the co-op (paid internship) program at my school, and oh my goodness... one of the jobs for History students?

Production Assistant.

Sweet! I would be assisting in the production of news multimedia for the Canadian Armed Forces, which would be so unbelievably fantastic. It would pretty much combine just about everything I love, and everything I went to school to study. I want this job so badly it hurts!!!!

And what's more, I think I might just have a leg up! I'm hoping for an interview so badly, based on the fact that I have video editing experience. If I can get that interview, then I just might have a shot at getting a dream co-op placement, assuming my failed class last semester doesn't kill my chances of getting into any of these jobs.

My brother is someone who has not come up in my blog very much... if at all, now that I think about it. That's because most of my posting has been about my frustrations with my former faith, my frustrations with my family, and the new life here in Ottawa... and I haven't really considered Ethan at all apart of any of them, even if he's ingrained in the former two. He's my younger brother. We were quite close, in a lot of ways, but in that macho kind of "we don't talk about feelings, we talk about video games and stupid people and The Comedy Network" kind of way, not the talky-feely. I always got the sense that he wasn't comfortable with me being gay, completely, so I kind of dropped the subject with him.

But now I think things are different. It looks like he may be leaving the faith... or at least, is pursuing his own course in life as defiantly as I once did, and we're actually sort of talking in that talky-feely kind of way, and we understand one another more now, and I think... fuck, I don't know. I don't feel anywhere nearly as shitty as I did before. Now I have the hope of actually being a sibling with Tania, my older sister, and now my younger brother, Ethan. I feel like now I actually have some of my growing-up family around to look forward to seeing when I'm older. I feel like one or both of them might come to a wedding of mine, and even just thinking about that possibility makes me so, so happy that I just want to completely forget about all of the sadness about my parents I've held on to for so many years.

As for why I felt so sad for so long... I've held no bad feelings about liking other guys since I was, like, 15. I dealt with it. I got over the self-hate mostly, I stopped thinking I was sick, I stopped thinking there was something wrong with me. But when I thought about how my parents were shutting me out, how I lost just about everybody I loved as a kid, those thoughts made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Now that feeling's going away.

Why couldn't this have been the Quantum of Solace song?

So I think the many months since the blowout with my mother has done me some good. I haven't visited them, I haven't even seriously considered visiting them. I miss my brother; however, I have no strong desire to see my mom or dad again right now. I mean, sure, I want to want to see them, I want them to want me to come... I would want to go if things would be normal. But I think I'm finally over this whole self-hurt thing. I can't afford to put my energy into relationships that are hardly reciprocated. Me leaving my common-law spouse to be home alone while I go spend time with a family that hates the fact that he exists and putting myself through hell is effort, and I used to do it regularly. Not yelling at your son when he mentions his boyfriend's name is effort, yes, but not much, and I've stopped reading so much into it. Stepping inside your son's house, maybe putting yourself through the same hell by having dinner with your son's burgeoning family would be effort. I'm fine with letting my relationship with my parents stay buried until they budge, because I think I'm comfortable standing here, finally.

From Andrew for Christmas I got Son of a Witch in paperback, Underworld and Underworld: Evolution for Blu-Ray, Family Guy: Volume 3 on DVD, The Legend of Zelda: The Phantom Hourglass for DS, and Fallout 3 for PS3. Oh! And today I got myself Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles for the Wii as a bit of a Boxing Day thing. Exciting!

As well, in one day I found out that Cher is indeed working on a new album, AND that The Genitorturers are working on one as well! Exciting times.

Fuck you, OC Transpo.

/me prepares for his 5.6 KM walk to his exam, followed by a 5.6 KM walk back.

You know, I really tried to like No More Heroes... I gave it an effort.

What's going on? Seriously. I just went through every upcoming Wii release and there are only five games I'm interested in. Five. And one of them is just because it's a game my boyfriend will play with me, I would never get it by myself. Those five games? Deadly Creatures. MadWorld. The Conduit. Power Rangers. Sin and Punishment 2. I've always been at least anticipating more than five titles for a Nintendo system, even in the final years of the GameCube mess.

Where is Nintendo? Publishing the last game there. Where the fuck are the awesome Nintendo games? The only thing Nintendo's got announced right now are Wii Sports followups which I don't give a shit about. Where the fuck are the next Zelda or Mario games Nintendo said would be on the Wii? Where is Kirby? Where are good sequels to established awesome franchises, where are the new hardcore franchises? A Wii-make of a GC Mario baseball game does not count.

Nintendo's been cashing in on the casual market, I get that. I respect that. But what's so wrong with coming out with games for the hardcore user? Mario Kart Wii sold over 10 million units, Super Mario Galaxy over seven million, Super Smash Bros. Brawl over seven million, Twilight Princess over four million... these are not low numbers. No, Nintendo, Metroid Prime 3 didn't as well as expected, but it was still successful.

Please, Nintendo, do more awesome games.

I think I should go on a hunger strike until Eternal Darkness 2 is announced.

Woo! Red Alert 3 and Call of Duty 5 both working perfectly. I love my upgraded PC.

First time upgrading my PC... I hope my purchases work out well together! I can't wait to try everything out.

Red Alert 3, bitches!

So far, it's so much better than Red Alert, but I'm still out on whether I like it less, as much, or more than Red Alert 2, which is tied with Star Trek: Armada and Freedom Force as being my favourite PC game of all time.

My government loan entitlement... is one thousand dollars higher than they thought. I know this is pretty stupid, but I'm almost crying right now. Financing University has been the most fucking stupidest thing ever because of my parents, because they make tonnes of money but refuse to help for the most part. In first year they gave me $5,000 under the condition that I didn't apply for a student loan, which fucked me over, now they're not helping me and I was going to get $6,000 from OSAP, which still isn't nearly enough because my parents are obligated to help me in the government's eyes. So basically, I've been scrambling and working my ass off, and none of my requests for other student loans have gone through in the past few years. My entitlement suddenly being $1,000 over what I've been thinking is, in all honesty, the first good surprise to happen with regards to financing school. All of a sudden I don't have to work 30+ hours a week with 25+ of class and homework just to keep my head above water, I have a little more legroom. Right now I can do about 24-26 hours of work a week and be alright. If I can just snatch this RBC Student Loan with Andrew's help, I'll be able to cut my work hours down to 20 hours a week, and I'll be able to breathe again. Breathe and, you know, like, do homework.

So I just finished reading all of my LiveJournal entries. All of them. What a phenomenal waste of time in a way, considering I need to be working on three essays right now... but I think it was pretty much worth it in that I've remembered a lot of crap about my life I needed to remember. Mainly who I once was and who I am right now... I can see the progression in my personality, I can remember why I react to certain things now the way I once didn't. So I guess I should make another status post so I can remember in another four years what I am today.

I'm in transition right now, really, between an entire phase of my life into another. I mean... I've gathered this:

14: Completely miserable, I was struggling to stay faithful, and I was horribly depressed because of it. I was secretly dealing with my bisexuality and it was eating me from the inside out. I felt like I was trapped in a life I didn't want. My biggest fears? 1) I would never overcome my desire for men, 2) I would never stop struggling with my belief in Jehovah, 3) I would never make it into University, 4) I would never marry, I would never have a family... this is the year of intense Self-Hate.

15: Becoming more convinced that, perhaps, I should leave my faith, but still very distraught about it. Turbo hardcore went into planning my future to be secure. Started hitting my stride in becoming more extroverted with Drama. Ernest is by far my best friend at this point, I would not have survived this far psychologically without him.

16: I left my religion, felt horrible over it. Most everybody I loved as a kid suddenly turned their backs to me. I discovered that I really loved film. At this point in my life I saw things as, perhaps, looking up a bit... then I figured out I was gay, and all of a sudden my dreams of having a family were thrown out the window. I fell in love with a guy, eventually got my heart a little broken.

17: Parents found out I was gay, and I accepted the possibility that, perhaps, one day I would find a guy I could settle down with, have a family like I wanted. University was looking like more of a prospect, I was, generally, much happier. Shit at school caused me to suddenly have, like, no faith in new friends, and I was terrified that people everywhere would stab me in the back. I realized that I really could do University, I could move away from Sydenham and have a life, I could chase after whatever profession I wanted. While I had no real hope of a good romantic future at first, I met Andrew, and everything changed. I was in love.

18: I moved in with my great love... realistically, before I was ready. I was really immature and insecure about myself and terribly afraid of commitment. I worked at Wendy's full-time, I felt horribly depressed because of it, but tried my best to seem happy so that Andrew wouldn't think I was depressed because of him. I lost contact with just about all of my friends except Laura, whom I lived with. Suddenly marriage looks possible, University is going to work out, I stopped grappling with God, I might one day have a family of my own...

19: I slipped into taking Andrew for granted and leaning on him for more support than I should have, and yet... he stayed with me. I was horribly selfish but he was still with me. Still, more shit with my family came up, and I feel like I'm losing even more of the people I loved as a kid. Andrew was my whole world, but I realized I needed contact with my friends again, so I got better at not being such an ass and actually talking to people again. I'm in University, though! Everything was fabulous on that front.

20: Family stuff has never, ever been worse, I'm working harder than I ever have before trying to support myself and school, hoping I can make up for all of the crap I put Andrew through last year. I'm trying to be a better person, trying to pull my own weight and keep up with school. I've been very, very stressed out, over the work and over money. I've broken down a few times over the past few months, even, just because of stress and anxiety... but I'm happier than I've ever been. I have my own house, I have a boyfriend who loves me despite how awful I am sometimes, I have a real hope to have the future I always dreamed about when I was 14, but thought was impossible. This is why I'm in transition, and it's real this time. Everything I was afraid I couldn't have, everything I thought I couldn't deal with... I have, or have a good shot at having. I can make this relationship with Andrew work in the long-term, I know I can. I know I can have a family. I know I can have a really fantastic career, I know I can get through university... there are just a few obstacles in my way, which I'll overcome. Of course, there's a negative bit... my family. I'm losing them, 95% of them anyway. That's in transition to. Being married to a man and being an active relative of most of my family are incompatible because of their beliefs, so, so-be-it. I need to accept that I'm going to lose most of the family I still see.

What am I afraid of now, though? Losing more of the people I love. My mom, dad, most siblings... I'll lose them, I've come to accept that. Most of my friends don't really give a damned about me, fine. But there are a few people I really love, and I'm terrified that someday I'll lose them over something or other, distance, fight, or a general decline in just talking... I don't know. But I've lost so many people to stupid religion and bigotry and just everything, I can't lose anymore. I really can't.

14-20... I've come to accept myself, realize what I want in life and go after it. In the process of going after it I've screwed up, but I've learned from that. That was the first phase of the me I consider really me in any sense. 14-20 was figuring stuff out, figuring out who I am, what I want, how to live with somebody who now shares me life. 20-Whenever? Settling myself down into simply working for those goals, not figuring it out so much. Then, maybe, in the third phase I'll get it. I really hope so. It's taken me six years to sort this fucking shit out, it had better damned well be worth it.

( Sex Filter )

I'm pretty bummed out about the Conservative win here in Canada. Oh well, here's to the inevitable 2010 Federal Election!

I saw Margaret Cho last night here in Ottawa, with special guest Liam Sullivan (a.k.a. KELLY!!!) and it was better than I ever even thought possible. Cho had already been cemented as my favourite comedian, and when the ad for her Beautiful tour listed an Ottawa date, I completely flipped out and spent money I didn't have on tickets. It was so great. She's seriously, like, one of the funniest people on the planet. Interview with her: